A real breakthrough. Just leave these teeth on the table and they will eat your meal for you while you’re out playing tennis or buying clocks. They’ll brush themselves at night, and smile automatically when you’re in a good mood. Need no gums or roots! Will eat anything! Do not leave near dead dogs.
In 1974 Terry Jones came up with a drawing of a strange, rather dangerous-looking character with an axe called Bert Fegg. Terry and I liked him very much and we wrote a book around him called The Nasty Book for Boys and Girls. It was successful enough for us to return to him ten years later, in 1984, when we updated Bert Fegg to Dr.Bertram S Fegg GBH (Parkhurst) and created a whole new book around him called Dr Fegg’s Encyclopeadia of ALL World Knowledge. Though it was Terry whose drawing brought Dr Fegg into existence, most of the other illustrations in the book are the work of Martin Honeysett - a lovely man and a fine and distinctive cartoonist who died earlier this year at the age of 71.
The idea was that it was an educational work that had mysteriously been given to the most unsuitable man in the world to edit. This enabled us to fill it with all sorts of silly things like Aladdin and His Terrible Problem – a new pantomime – as well as animals like the Patagonian Shoe-Cleaning Rat and the West Bromley Fighting Haddock and new religions like Feggism – the wonder technique that will increase your memory and oh, what was the other thing?
The extracts I read from Dr Fegg’s Encyclopeadia in various stage appearances went down so well that we decided to make The Encyclopeadia available again. Will keep you posted as to news of its second coming, meanwhile here are a few tasters from the original edition.
Available now in the Shop. "Buy it, or else." B. Fegg
- Camping is a wet, uncomfortable, and miserable way to die, but, if you can’t avoid it, you can at least make it comfortable.
- Select your camping spot carefully. Very often, you will find people in tents and caravans blocking your view and generally getting in the way. These can usually be dispersed by naming your dog Cholera and calling him in loudly last thing at night.
- Once you have found a nice spot, get out the flamethrower and clear the area around you.
- What you will need for a camping trip:
- 286 9″ x 3″ bricks
- 12 sacks easy drying ready mixed cement
- Front door
- Back door
- Window frames
- Plate glass
- Stereo equipment
- Various slates
- Roofing timbers
- Second piano (if room)
- Pack these carefully – with the plate glass at the top.
- Get someone else to carry the pack.
Alternatives To Camping
- Spending the night in an ice-cold bath.
- Swallowing tree toads.
- Running 4 miles with two piranha fish in your shorts.
Test your powers of observation by looking at these two pictures. If you can see them that’s a start. Now look more carefully.
Somewhere in these two pictures there are certain differences. If you look hard you may spot them. Write them down and time yourself.
Less than three minutes: very bright indeed. Less than ten minutes: jolly clever. Less than one hour: still jolly clever, though perhaps not quite up to scholarship standard, (but who cares about silly old scholarships, anyway!). Over four hours: well done! Even quite good atom scientists were slow starters. Ten to twelve days: a very good try indeed! Over four months: keep at it! Four months to one year: you’re doing well!
Seven boys, seven girls, fourteen chairs, piano, wrapping paper, one Bengal tiger.
Object of the Game:
To avoid being left holding the Bengal tiger (for obvious reasons).
How to Play:
Ask your mother or an Auntie (whoever you will miss the least) to wrap up a Bengal tiger in brown paper. Then sit around on the fourteen chairs – boys and girls alternately. When the music starts, pass the Bengal tiger around (if you can!). Whoever is left holding the Bengal tiger when the music stops (Good luck to you!) must unwrap one of the pieces of paper around the legendary vicious brute. When the music starts you must immediately pass the Bengal tiger on (not that you’ll need much persuading!) to the person next to you. The person who takes the last piece of paper off the Bengal tiger is deemed to be the loser, and is bitten to death by the now-enraged mammal. The winners all get sweeties and a quiet lie down.
AT LAST! A really safe pair of trousers! Both legs are lined with white enamel and fitted at the hips with elegant copper piping. Clean water sprays down the trousers every two minutes. A must for those long plane flights.
Strapped to the nose in the normal way, this highly sensitive automatic device is activated by any foreign particle entering the nose. The yellow light glows, an alarm bell rings, and the extricating mechanism springs into action, removing everything in the wearer’s nose within seconds, wrapping it into a neat ball, and popping it in his mouth.
There is little you can do until the patient reaches the ground. You could try shouting up to them “Are you all right?”, but the chances are they’ll be shouting “I don’t owe you £2.40!” so loudly that they will be incapable of giving a rational response. In any case they usually are all right until they reach the ground.
The main thing from the First Aid point of view is not to be underneath them when they reach it (see below). Once the patient has safely landed, you should:
- Ascertain whether they are wearing a watch
- Check the time. If it is nearly time for lunch, go and eat. Regular mealtimes are essential to the healthy functioning of a healthy body
- If it is still not quite lunchtime or you know lunch will be late, unloosen the watch
- Slip the watch into your pocket
- Creep away
- Say nothing to anyone
Number 38: Being Fallen on from a Cliff
If you should happen to glance up and see a body hurtling off a cliff down towards you,
- Try Shouting “Fall over there!’
- There is no point 2
Perhaps the most harmless and least offensive animal in existence. This rat lives by hiring itself out as a shoe brush. Once it goes bald, its career is at an end, and it has to rely on what it can make out of selling Patagonian Rat’s Cheese (which understandably isn’t very popular). *
*This animal really needs all of the help it can get, so if you have any contributions, send them to:
Help the Patagonian Shoe-Cleaning Rat Fund
℅ The Lubrication Bay
“El Diablo” Shell Garage
Bill and Enid were coming back through Tadger’s Field when suddenly they saw the collapse of Roman Imperialism.
“Gosh,” said Bill.’